Mike Ashley poised to bid for takeover of the Brexit process

Retail tyrant Mike Ashley is poised to table a buyout offer for the troubled Brexit process, The Liberator can exclusively reveal. The purveyor of oversized novelty mugs is in advanced talks with the UK government over stepping in to rescue negotiations, just when they appear most fraught.

With Theresa May admitting that the third meaningful vote on her EU deal will fail to pass, the UK has entered uncharted territory. There is talk of a major constitutional crisis if parliament cannot agree a way forward this week. One government source described the mood inside Westminster as “A shitfight, with infinite amounts of shit.”

No doubt sensing an opportunity, Mr. Ashley has offered the government all of his pocket change in order to become a majority stakeholder in Brexit. Cabinet members are said to be hell-keen on the idea. A spokesman for living-wage-hating Ashley delved into the reasoning behind the bid:

“Mr. Ashley loves nothing better than buying a struggling household name for peanuts – just look at his takeover of Debenhams and House Of Fraser. We think Brexit would make a great addition to that portfolio.”

Asked what Mr. Ashley intended to do if he won full control of the Brexit negotiations, the spokesman responded:

“We’d then make an offer to buy out the EU. That’s what the Sports Direct Group does now – it buys things. All of them.”

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