Chris Grayling “Unable To Resign As He Can’t Find A Pen”

Chris Grayling has thought about resigning as Secretary of State for Transport several times – but has been prevented from doing so by his own incompetence, The Liberator has discovered. A top aide to Mr. Grayling reported that there have been “many occasions” when he intended to step down, only to fail even at that simple task.

Grayling has come under increasing pressure in recent months, following his bungled handling of rail timetable chaos and his decision to award a ferry contract to a firm with no ships. Our source confirmed that the Transport Secretary is in fact human, and all the criticism has started to get under his skin:

“Contrary to popular belief, Chris Grayling does have human feelings. People can’t just tear you down your whole career without it making you stop and think. He’s been close to the edge several times in terms of resignations, but he always managed to screw it up somehow.”

“One day, he decided he wanted to go but he couldn’t find a pen. It turns out he’d given the stationery contract for his office to a funeral home, instead of Rymans.”

“Another time, he was dead set on going but as he sat down to write his letter he somehow stapled his hand to the table. He ended up in the emergency room, and when he came to he’d forgotten all about wanting to resign. It was bizarre, he’s just totally incapable of completing basic tasks.”

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