Flying Pig Faction of Conservative Party Splits

Theresa May has survived a vote of no confidence only to face fresh calls to deliver on her pledge to make pigs fly. To make matters worse for the beleaguered Prime Minister, the criticisms are coming from a new division within her own party, dedicated to an extremist definition of flying pigs.

“The Prime Minister’s proposal to fire pigs out of a cannon is not the flight demanded by the British electorate,” says Jacob Rees-Mogg, ad-hoc leader of the Hovering Hogs Research Group. “It’s not even flight at all, it’s just firing pigs out of a cannon. It’s actually a worse solution than simply leaving pigs on the ground.”

Polls show that most British voters are growing impatient with the government’s repeated failed efforts to make pigs fly, and would now prefer that the project be abandoned altogether. However the government maintains that it has a mandate to get pigs airborne, and Mrs. May feels that her current proposal is the only achievable compromise that will respect that commitment.

“Flying pigs are flying pigs,” insisted the PM at a press conference called to discuss the details of the pig cannon proposal. “I have been very clear on that.”

The deadline at which all the pigs in the country will be pushed over a cliff, whether they can fly or not, is fast approaching, and a significant plurality of Conservative members are endorsing exactly that.

“British pigs are quite capable of flying without the help of cannons or, as some of my honourable friends have suggested, anti-gravity technology,” contends Boris Johnson, speaking at a discovery hearing. “After all, mea sunt ardenti braccas.”

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