Gareth Southgate reveals plan to personally take all England penalties

Gareth Southgate is said to be working on a plan that would see him emerge from retirement, become player coach, and then take all of England’s penalties in the event of a shootout at this years World Cup. The unorthodox scheme has been put forward by  Southgate before, but the FA were reluctant to endorse it, citing Euro 96 as their primary reasoning.

Southgate is said to have become increasingly erratic in recent weeks, but this latest move seems to confirm the FA’s long held suspicions that he took the England job only to expunge the memory of his infamous penalty miss against Germany 22 years ago.

A spokesman from inside the England camp said: “He (Southgate) is getting really weird. He’s taken to carrying a ball under his arm everywhere. I even saw him with one when he was relieving himself in the toilets. He insists on penalty practice every day, but really it’s practice for him – he won’t let any of the lads take them. And now he’s finally let slip why – if we get to penalties, he wants to come out of international retirement and sub himself on for the spot kicks – all of them.”

The Liberator asked FIFA for comment as to whether this plan would violate any tournament rules, but they declined to respond.

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