Premier League Title To Be Awarded To Whoever Spent The Most Money

The Premier League season for 2018/19 has today been abruptly cancelled by the FA. The move to scrap the entire competition is understood to have been made for commercial reasons. FA spokesperson Matt Kerridge revealed:

“The Premier League is one of the most followed sporting institutions in the world, and with good reason. There is some incredible talent on show, and clubs are willing to pay eye-watering sums to attract the best players.

“So this year, we’ve decided to try something a bit different – we’re simply going to give the title to whoever spent the most money in the transfer window. I mean, lets be fair, that’s usually who wins in any case. This way, we’re cutting out the bullshit and speeding up the process.”

Mr. Kerridge didn’t deny that the increasing commercialisation of football was also a factor in the decision:

“This is the ultimate incentive for clubs to keep money sloshing around in the transfer window. Agents, sponsors and all the other usual Premier League parasites will do very well. So I suppose it’s fair to say that playing football is starting to get in the way of the money a little bit, yes.”

Although the suspension of the competition will only apply for the 2018/19 season, Mr. Kerridge refused to rule out going even further in future:

“We have a lot of grand plans at the moment. One idea is to make the entire season one great big long transfer window. Everyone can trade with everyone else from August right up until May, but without playing any actual football. After that, the next logical evolution would be to simply give the Premier League title to whoever makes the largest financial contribution to the FA. Exciting times indeed”

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