The Liberator can today reveal that UK supermarkets are set to introduce weekly ‘Arsehole-Free’ hours from next year. The move is designed to entice shoppers who feel besieged by inconsiderate mouth-breathers whenever they go out to get milk.
According to Richard Wakeling, who represents the retail think tank ‘Information About People Who Buy Stuff’, the scheme is set to be a big hit with consumers:
“We think it could be a huge boon to supermarkets. Certainly all of the focus group feedback we’ve had has been very positive. There’s hardly anyone out there who doesn’t have a ‘supermarket arsehole’ horror story of some kind. Just last week some pillock ran over my foot with their trolley, turned and looked at me with utter contempt, and then just strolled off”.
The arsehole ban will be enforced by ‘bouncers’ on the doors of each supermarket, who will act to ensure that only the virtuous can enter. It’s understood that there are several trigger behaviours which could lead to a positive ‘arsehole identification’. Examples cited by Mr. Wakeling included ‘expressing admiration for Piers Morgan’ and wearing a ‘don’t hate the player, hate the game’ t-shirt.
Despite antagonism having been a mainstay of British shopping for years, Mr. Wakeling believes that consumer backlash has now reached a tipping point:
“There are people now who have just really had enough of it. There was a story I heard about from one of our focus groups that was totally harrowing. Someone went into their local Tesco Express to buy what turned out to be the last pack of toilet paper. As he’s reaching down to grab it, he feels something smack against his temple, and then he’s out cold”.
“It turns out another shopper had knocked him unconscious from behind, using a tin of kidney beans as a club. They must have really wanted that toilet paper. And this kind of thing is happening day in, day out. I sincerely hope that one day we’ll no longer be affronted by angry clods whenever we go out grocery shopping. But until that day comes, we need to take action”.