Theresa May Now Only Allowed 3 Days To Sob Alone Instead Of 21

Parliament has voted 308-297 to limit Theresa May to just 3 days of sobbing if her Brexit deal is defeated. Under the original EU Withdrawal Act, the government would have been given a period of 21 days to run around screaming ‘WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!’ in the event of parliament voting down the Prime Minister’s Brexit agreement.

However, in a day of high tension at Westminster, the government was defeated on a historic amendment brought by (Conservatives’ answer to James Dean) Dominic Grieve. The amendment now limits the official grieving and panic period to just 3 days, with no stress-eating permitted.

The drama began when John Bercow seized his natural instincts to be controversial and self-important, by allowing the Grieve amendment to be voted on despite it apparently being against precedent and official advice. Conservative MPs were furious at the Speaker, insisting that doing things against all sane and urgent reasoning was their bag and he’d bloody well nicked it. A Pro-Brexit source close to No. 10 revealed to The Liberator:

“We’re all furious with Bercow. The plan was to have 21 days to blindly panic and then come back to Parliament telling them we don’t know what the hell to do. Now we have to fit that exact same scenario into just 3 days. Some are wondering if inaction can even be achieved in such a short time frame.”

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