Seagulls given ‘Utter bastard’ status by WWF

The World Wide Fund for Nature has today declared seagulls to be ‘Utter bastards’, a highly unusual move likely to cause controversy. Although the group is usually concerned with protecting wildlife, they have created an entirely new status in order to designate the birds a public menace.

WWF spokesperson Begonia Truce told The Liberator: “We’ve had enough, basically. I mean, we love animals more than anyone, but seagulls? Really? Have you seen what they’re about? I almost had my eye pecked out yesterday just for walking within a 1km radius of a gulls’ offspring. I’ve also lost count of how many luxury pastries I’ve had snatched from my hand thanks to some gull who thinks he’s billy big nuts.”

Ms. Truce did not appear to be alone in her sentiments, with a colleague adding: “I saw one pecking at the bloody neck-hole of a decapitated pigeon the other day. It was properly rank.”

The full impact of this seagull re-branding remains to be seen, with some experts predicting that it will fuel a rise in anti-seagull practices such as gull-shouting and gull-larking.

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