Revealed: The REAL Conservative Party Conference Schedule

The Liberator has today uncovered compelling evidence of a secret shadow Conservative party conference, running parallel to the officially publicised main event. Leaked documents sent to us by an anonymous party whistleblower reveal that a group of party insiders are currently holding the parallel event in a secret location.

A document purporting to be the timetable for the ‘real’ conference contains a short, cryptic statement which sheds some light as to the nature of the group. It reads:

“To all true Conservatives, here is the real conference schedule. Obviously, it goes without saying, but – don’t tell any muggles. As far as everyone knows, the real conference is what’s happening in the Birmingham ICC.”

The note is then bizarrely signed off with: “IMPORTANT: You must always remember – shadows and secrecy.”

The timetable for the parallel conference is laid out as follows:

Sunday, 30th September
10:00 – 12:00 – Opening chant (the summoning)
12:00 – 12:45 – WORKSHOP: ‘How to exchange your principles for money’
12:45 – 13:00 – Tea and snacks
1:30 – 15:00 – The blood feast

Monday 1st October
10:00 – 12:30 – Laughing at the poor
12:30 – 13:30 – Lunch
13:30 – 17:30 – Laughing at the poor

Tuesday 2nd October
10:00 – 12:30 – WORKSHOP: ‘How to appear human’
12:30 – 13:00 – Tea and snacks
13:00 – 16:00 – Discouraging social mobility Q+A

Wednesday 3rd October
10:00 – 12:30 – Keynote speech by The Lord Of Darkness, Whose Name Cannot Be Uttered
12:30 – 13:00 – Blood sacrifice / closing ceremony

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