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Queen Calls Vote Of No Confidence In Everyone

It has been announced today that The Queen is calling a vote of no confidence in the whole of the UK. The unprecedented move follows weeks of political turmoil and infighting, where Theresa May survived a confidence vote from her own party only to face fresh calls for her to go from opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn.

Sources at Buckingham Palace have reported a restless mood from Her Majesty in the last few weeks as she has watched the chaos unfold. It now appears to have culminated in a decision to bin the whole bloody useless lot of ’em and bloody well sort it out herself. Appearing in a brief video recording available on the Royal Family’s website, The Queen states:

“One has watched the government make a pig’s ear of Brexit, and been disappointed. One has watched the opposition fail to present a coherent alternative, and been saddened. But one has also noticed the people of this country still at each other’s throats, having no consensus whatsoever. And after that, one has become quite angry.”

“One has now decided that the whole of the UK is a complete and utter shitshow. Every one of you. That’s why one is calling a vote of no confidence in all of you, which one has already decided that you have lost.” 

“Henceforth, one is reasserting one’s right to govern directly. The UK will no longer indulge this democracy nonsense, and shall hereafter be ruled by Royal Decree alone. Parliament shall be immediately dissolved, and reconstituted into scented candles. Stand by for further instructions.”

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