Polls Show Increased Support For Not Hitting Self Over Head With Cast Iron Skillet

According to a flurry of recent polls by YouGov and Survation, a clear majority of Britons no longer want to hit themselves hard on the head with heavy objects.

While the government remains deadlocked over whether to proceed with bashing in our collective heads with frying pans or to dash our brains out against a concrete plinth, it would appear that a convincing majority of British voters would just as soon not do either.

In fact, according to Survation, in a three-way, proportional contest, even those who express a first-choice preference for either pans or plinths would choose not getting hit over the head at all as their second choice.

Moreover, follow-up interviews show a further split among those who would be satisfied with any form of blunt-force trauma between those who don’t think it will hurt at all and those who believe that it will hurt but that repeated concussions, over time, make one smarter.

“I don’t believe it for an instant,” contends failed bus driver and Prime Ministerial hopeful, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, speaking at a police spot-check. “You can get any sort of answer you like by just posing the right question to the right people. You ask your buy-to-let, Chelsea toff, ‘shall I bash you over the head with this casserole dish’ and of course most of them are going to say no.”

Nevertheless, demographic analysis suggests that the main differentiatior between those in favour of cranial injury and those against are age and education. This also explains why the shift in polling results has occurred while few minds have actually changed: younger voters are beginning to express their views while older, less educated supporters of brain damage die off from misreading the labels of prescription medicines.

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