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Mike Ashley Gives Employees 2 Shilling Pay Rise

Mike Ashley appears to be embracing the spirit of Christmas by announcing that he is giving all employees of the Sports Direct group a pay rise. Announcing the move via Twitter, he vowed that all workers would receive ‘at least’ 2 shillings per week on top of their normal salary, as well as a basket of Anthracite to keep their homes warm this Christmas.

Ashley also took the opportunity to announce a formal review into the controversial practices of strip searching and cattle prodding which remain in effect in many Sports Direct warehouses.

These unexpected acts of generosity mark a stunning turnaround for the billionaire, who once refused to donate to a paupers charity on the basis that “prisons and workhouses are sufficient” for them. When it was pointed out to him that many paupers die in such conditions, Ashley seemed unconcerned – stating that this would merely decrease the surplus population.

Although many have welcomed the move, social media has been abuzz with scepticism around Mr. Ashley’s timing and motivation. Rumours have been circulating that he was visited in the night by 3 ghosts, one of whom showed him a bleak vision of his future.

The nightmare glimpse into his own destiny saw Ashley being unable to revive the fortunes of Debenhams and House Of Fraser, and being forced to sell Newcastle United at a slight loss.

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