Michel Barnier To Be NI Secretary In Pre-Christmas Cabinet Shuffle

The Prime Minister appears to be signaling a shift in the government’s strategy on Europe, with a pre-Christmas cabinet restructuring that will see Lord Adonis take on the newly created position of Minister for Capitulation.

Meanwhile the office of exiting the European Union has been eliminated altogether, to be replaced with a department of Acknowledging Reality. It is understood that the PM herself will be assuming this portfolio until a suitable candidate can be found.

Opposition critics describe this latest shuffle as a distraction from the urgent issues facing the nation. “Rather than shifting the deck chairs on the Titanic,” said Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn during a lively PM’s question period, “will the Prime Minister commit to a timetable for exiting the European Union while maintaining all of the advantages of remaining in the European Union?”

The PM didn’t shy away from the challenge, replying “This redistribution of roles within my cabinet is a clear sign to Brussels that we will not tolerate a hard border in Northern Ireland, neither shall Great Britain be denied its sovereign right to contribute to the EU budget. European Union negotiators should have no illusions regarding British determination to be free to abide — to the letter — by the regulations and responsibilities of the Customs Union and Single Market.”

There were rumours that the new-look cabinet would include a rehabilitated Boris Johnson, who was offered but refused the specially-created portfolio of Secretary of Licking Dogshit Off Haverstock Hill.

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