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May To Take On Barnier In Deal Or No Deal Special Edition

It has been revealed today that Theresa May will take on Michel Barnier in a special celebrity edition of ‘Deal Or No Deal’. The decision is seen as the only way to resolve deadlocked Brexit talks, with both sides currently entrenched. The programme will see Barnier acting as the ‘Banker’, with Theresa May opting to either accept his offers or potentially walk away with nothing.

Deciding to hold the Brexit talks in a game show format comes at a key time in Britain’s protracted withdrawal from the EU. Personal aides to both May and Barnier have admitted that the only way forward for the talks was some kind of compelling television contest. A key source close to the Prime Minister revealed:

“We’re fucked, basically. Totally fucked. At this point, we may as well just chance it with the mystery boxes. Some of the boxes will contain no hard border and the ability to negotiate our own trade deals, some of them have famine and despair, and some of them are literally just on fire. So it’s really important that people are prepared for any possible outcome.”

When asked about the EU’s motivation for participating in the contest, Mr. Barnier’s personal aide responded:

“We really just don’t understand what they want. Someone please tell us. If anyone has any clue what Britain’s Brexit policy is, I urge you to please, please get in touch with my office. At this point we’ve decided the best way forward is to just put a bunch of random things in front of them, and hope that they go for something.”

The programme is due to be televised shortly after Parliament returns from summer recess, in order to ensure that martial law can be declared quickly if Theresa May wins an ‘on fire’ box.

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