Gareth Southgate Named as Chief Aide to Dominic Raab

England Manager Gareth Southgate has this morning been confirmed as Dominic Raab’s chief assistant in the Department for Exiting the European Union (DExEU). In a tumultuous 24 hours, it has emerged that Southgate was previously under consideration for the role even before Mr. Davis’ resignation was confirmed, due to his stellar coaching performance at the World Cup. A source close to the Prime Minister revealed:

“We’ve been watching Gareth’s’ performance at this World Cup, and frankly, we’ve been blown away. He just seems to ooze dignity, honesty, thoughtfulness and diligence – pretty much everything that DExEU and the government lack, really. And that’s not to mention the way he’s knitted together such stellar performances from a diverse and multi-ethnic England team.”

“I mean think about it – the goal that sealed our place in the semi finals was scored by a bloke called ‘Alli’. And yet everyone who took time out from a ‘Free Tommy Robinson’ march to see it was celebrating as though Churchill had scored, with an assist from The Queen. So if anyone can heal the divisions in Brexit Britain, Gareth Southgate can. He’s there to keep Dominic Raab, and the country, honest.”

It’s believed that Southgate wants to take his backroom team with him, including England assistant manager Steve Holland and specialist set-piece coach Allan Russell. However it is understood that the head national coach will see out the World Cup before taking up any immediate duties relating to Brexit.

When asked whether the public might expect other stars of Euro 96 to eventually take up key political posts, our source was more non-committal:

“It’s unfortunate that it takes a football manager to show everyone what leadership looks like, but this is what this country has come to now.”

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