Sir Christopher Chope ‘probably Satan’, friend confirms

A friend of Sir Christopher Chope has today confirmed that he does indeed appear to be the Antichrist. Ever since the MP blocked the upskirting and FGM protection bills, The Liberator has been muck-racking through his past in order to turn up more nasties – and can now reveal an exclusive interview with one of his long-standing acquaintances, who spoke under condition of anonymity.

In the following extract, our source was able to shed light on several disturbing traits that seem to point to Sir Christopher Chope being the human vessel of Lucifer:

“It’s a better than evens chance. There is a whole host of stuff that isn’t quite right about him – if you go back over his record as an MP, you’ll find he was involved in just about everything awful that’s happened from the poll tax onwards – but that’s just the official record. The stuff I’m talking about, you wouldn’t even know if you weren’t close with him.”

“For one thing, I’ve sometimes heard him speak this language that just totally defies comprehension. It’s like he is speaking out loud, but also reaching a tendril inside your mind. You don’t understand any of what he is saying, but at the same time you understand one thing above all else – total, unbridled fear. I recorded a sample of it once, and played it to a friend of mine who has a doctorate in linguistics. He looked me straight in the eye and told me it didn’t resemble anything he’d ever come across, and seemed desperately confused over how human vocal chords could produce the sounds.”

“Then there’s the other stuff – the blood, the sacrifices, the fact his office is always covered in animal viscera, the way sometimes he will unleash a guttural scream into the night and at the same this horn starts protruding from his forehead, like it’s reaching for something. It’s that type of thing that makes you think – maybe this guy is a little different.”

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