Cabinet members to engage in ‘Star-Trek style’ arena fight to decide final Brexit policy, sources say

Cabinet members are to engage in physical combat to determine the UK’s final Brexit policy, an inside source has revealed.

According to an interview obtained by The Liberator, tensions in Cabinet briefings are running high, with physical violence being threatened on several occasions. During one particularly heated exchange over membership of the customs union, Boris Johnson is said to have threatened Chancellor Philip Hammond with the prospect of “creating a union between your head and your arse”. Hammond did not waiver, apparently choosing to reply: “Come at me, bro”.

With the UK’s departure from the EU looming, and the Prime Minister keen to try and unify the Cabinet around a single Brexit vision, the decision has been taken to allow both sides to resolve their differences through fighting prowess.

Details are still being finalised as to the format of the contest, but our source within the Cabinet Office seemed to imply a series of one on one engagements, rather than a winner-takes-all melee: “We’re inclined to go with several rounds of head to head – think Kirk vs. Spock, rather than a Royal Rumble type scenario”. They then went on to reveal details of the proposed draw process to determine which opponent each Cabinet member would face:

“The match-up that everyone is praying for is Hammond vs. Johnson. That would be a hell of a fight, genuinely too close to call. Phillip Hammond is, as you can well imagine, absolutely lethal with his hands – just an utter brute of a man. But Boris, the thing about Boris is, and not many people realise this… but he always carries a cutlass on him. If you ever see Boris at a press conference, you’ll notice that he always stands at a bit of a funny angle, so he can keep his sword hidden from view”.

When asked if there was any prospect of televising the event, our source was more non-committal, revealing: “It’s something we’re considering. The projected pay per view revenue would certainly go some way towards making up the economic shortfall after Brexit, so there is that”.